Finally! At long last, I have officially found someone to look at my manuscript at an affordable rate that will not hurt my wallet. Thank God! Although, she may not be a professional editor I do love her critiquing style. She not only helps with some of the grammar, but also provides comments and suggestions without overcharging me. This is very good news indeed!
At least now I can get a second opinion on how to fix and trim my manuscript, because it’s come to the point that I cannot even look at my first novel, without cringing at it. However, I know that in the long run all final editing decisions are my responsibility. And regardless if someone is a pro or not, it really will come down upon me to decide what’s needed or not needed. This will be my biggest challenge yet! I was loosing focus on other projects as well, due to the fact that I couldn’t see through what was wrong with the first novel.
Grant it, I may never like the first novel. Did I mention that I am a perfectionist? I know that’s hard to believe. It’s in my blood. I can’t help but feel that everything must be perfect, especially this first novel. I’m sorry to those who are patiently waiting, but that’s just how I am. I can’t help tweaking this or that. I’ll tweak my book covers constantly or go back to a chapter, fixing or adding something that wasn’t there in the first place. It’s hard to love my novel when I spend so much time on it… it’s just time consuming.
For me, control is my biggest concern. I know that once my novel is published, I will have no control of how it succeeds or fails. I may market it to the best of my abilities, but I do not have a PR Agent. I want to stay positive and set my goals accordingly to realistic standards. I want my book to succeed just like everyone else out there. What author wouldn’t want their book to succeed? The chapters here on this blog are still considered rough drafts to me, no matter how many times I polish them. To me, it still looks like the first draft of a story I worked on ten years ago.
There’s probably facts I’m still missing, still errors I’m not seeing, and the list goes on and on. How does one have the courage to let go of something that’s most precious to them? This is like letting a child go. You don’t know if they’ll be able to survive in the real world, without your assistance. I don’t have children, but this book still feels like a child in many ways. It’s stubborn to deal with and sometimes out of control.
As a parent, you’ve taken so much time and care to raise this story. Will this story change history? Will this story end up in the slush pile with the millions already floating around out there, wandering endlessly for all time? These are questions I ask myself daily. However, it’s gotten so bad now that all I’m thinking about is writing. Sometimes I can’t sleep or eat, because I’m always thinking about writing. Sometimes my friends have to tell me to go outside, for I can stay inside my apartment for weeks or months just writing. I’m just stuck in the mud, figuring out everything that’s wrong with my story.
I can’t move on. I will only look at it unless I have a second opinion, for I’ve tried putting this manuscript away for months and years… and it’s still the same. I’m just too attached to it. It’s personal to me in so many ways. I can’t detach myself from it. It needs to be completed, so I can kick it to the curb! It needs to leave my head, my thoughts, and be out of my life for good. Once I get back all the revisions, I’ll spend a full week or two reviewing/revising everything for one last time. When I publish this novel, there’s really no going back to it. People may say there’s a huge mistake or two, but I’m never going to change it.
This is it folks! You either like it or you don’t! I can’t please everyone. The only person I care about is me right now. I need to publish this for me. Maybe many many years from now, I’ll do a special edition later on in the future, since I have the white cover still not in use. I really don’t know what will happen when I self-publish it. I wish I knew, I really do.
One thing is for certain, I will never go back to this story, and I will never regret what I’ve written…